IN THIS VIDEO:
THE ADAPTED LIFE PODCAST
SEASON 3 EPISODE 29
LOOKING FOR THE LIGHT

Episode 29
4 months of grieving. This is a checking in, of sorts. Before I begin, I would like to reach out and let you know that if you are also grieving, and that this resonates with you, please let me know. Especially if you once had an overly full life of caregiving for someone who is now gone and you feel lost. Or just that you feel lost.

On the other side, having lost my son and experiencing this thing called grief, I’ve found myself in a crazy storm of adapting. Of surviving. Of figuring out just what the heck to do.

I am surrounded by blessings, but also by endless triggers that remind me of what life was like caring for Daniel. Most days I truly feel like I am losing touch with sanity. I still dissociate often. And this is where I am going through the motions, but do not feel like I am actually in my body, more like I am floating outside of it not connected to anything.

I share a list of some of the things I've been doing. I GOT THE NUMBERS WRONG IN THE RECORDING. PLEASE FORGIVE ME, FOCUS DOES NOT COME EASY THESE DAYS!

Trying. Trying to find light when it feels so dark. I talk often around here, about a vision that I had of Daniel…. In my vision, or dream, not sure, I saw his face and he was asking me if I could feel the light. “Can you feel the light Mom?” It was so real …. I woke up startled. So I focus on light. Light in the day. Light in the dark. Light.

Here is a poem I wrote about light. The kind of light I imagine that shines from Heaven.

Light

The simple act of visualizing

Brought me to a brighter light

Glimmering. Radiant, white almost

Streaking in from the Spring morning

When I woke I knew the sun was out

Walking the dogs I was warm

Yet after my space of meditation

During which my pain released its tears

My eyes opened to a different light

So shiny and strong it was so

That I took a picture of the window

Through which is was coming

The morning was no different

Than other mornings I saw

How could it be so much brighter now

Pulsating and casting white radiance

Then a message came to my tired heart

And I lay my hands on its beating

The light was not from the outside

It was coming straight from me.



May 7, 2024

Missing my Daniel every second.

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Welcome to my channel...

We lost our beloved Daniel on January 12, 2024. Stay with me as I work through grief and finding purpose. It is early days. And very hard.

Adapting. Thriving. Changing. Growing. Facing the unknown every waking day. This is my story, and I hope that you find encouragement, community, friendship here. A journey of life with a child who was born with severe disabilities, and how we are making our way through the ups and downs.

Daniel was born with a rare condition called Polymicrogyria. It was caused by the virus, CMV (cytomegalovirus). Daniel has extensive medical problems and disabilities, but we have created a loving support structure for him, and the 5 of us, and our pets, find lots of joy and love. A very unique family dynamic for sure!

The Adapted Life Podcast, by Julie Hasselberger. listen !
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Julie Hasselberger
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Music licensed by Epidemic sound and Premium Beat

filmed with Canon G7X Mark II

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