Perhaps the most difficult idea to grasp is that ‘safe’ is a subjective concept. Sometimes a person’s struggle may make someone feel uncomfortable, but it may not be actually unsafe for interaction.

Understanding if you need a boundary or a wall is complex, especially for kinship providers who often do not have the same support from child welfare services or the same strict guidelines you often see with traditional foster families.

As an example for consideration, Raquel shares: “My father’s active addiction made him an unsafe caregiver, not an unsafe presence in my life but without proper resources, my grandparents struggled to set reasonable boundaries for him. Him coming over for dinner, throwing a football with me in the field, blasting 80’s rock, swimming, time at the arcade, cookouts and playing horseshoes…none of those moments were ever unsafe. They are fond memories I’ll always treasure.

Spending the night, sitting through drug deals, witnessing drug use, violent fights and officers bust in doors to take my dad away in handcuffs; those experiences were unsafe, traumatic even and they’ll stay with me as well. You see, his addiction did not automatically make him an unsafe person, just incapable of parenting. He deserved to hold space in my life, just not as a caregiver. He needed proper boundaries and I needed the reassurance of permanency, something neither of us ever got.”

Check out Raquel’s full interview talking about these ideas and more my podcast, The Here to Help Podcast. She shares a variety of considerations as you navigate complex family dynamics and situations. Streaming everywhere! :) https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...

Thank you Raquel for sharing and offering so much wisdom. Are you a kinship provider or foster parent who is figuring out if a boundary or wall is needed? Let us know your experiences in the comments below!

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