This video is about the last day I ever gambled. It was June of 2011 and though I didn't know it at the time, it became my final gambling relapse. There are many relapses over years in a gambling addiction, but I do believe that you know when it's the last one. You may not know right away, but soon afterwards it becomes clear.

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I’m on a bus heading to the racetrack slots, somewhere I’ve never been, to gamble, something I thought I’d never do again.

Sitting on the bus, I’m in a daze, everything is hazy. It’s like I’m not really on the bus. Almost like I’m sitting next to myself and I’m just a witness to whatever is about to happen. It’s not me. Not the real me anyway. Whatever that means.

It’s June of 2011 and I decide I’m moving to the UK. I need a change. I need to start over. My major mistake was giving 3 months notice at my current job. 3 months is too long and I’m overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to do to feel comfortable leaving this job. These people have been my work family for nearly 6 years and I want to make sure they are alright when I go.

My trigger for gambling was always uncomfortable, new situations. But that was before I got medicated for my ADD. Shouldn’t these triggers be gone by now? I soon find out that they aren’t completely gone. And the decision to quit my job and move to another continent was a huge gambling trigger.

I decide that this friday I’ll go to the slot machines. This decision gives me some kind of comfort. Like, I can make it through this week, as long as I have gambling at the end of it.

But there’s something strange going on. I gamble online, or I used to anyway. I don’t go to casinos and sit at slot machines. The last time I did that was 10 years ago and it was mostly out of boredom. So I'm obviously having trouble coping with this big life change, but for some reason I don’t go to my regular comfort zone of online gambling.

It could be that I realize that I’m not familiar with the world of online gambling anymore. It's been a few years. And my credit card has a limit of $500 - which wouldn't get me very far at an online casino.

So I get off the bus and walk into the room full of slot machines and it feels like a dream.

Though it’s been a while since I’ve been to a physical casino, I feel comfortable here. The smells and the sounds. The flashing lights. This feels like home to me. There’s this feeling of possibility. I’ve won jackpots in the past so I know that it’s possible. Maybe part of me is just looking for that last jackpot. One last win? Maybe I could get more money for my trip to the UK?

But I'm not thinking about any of that. I'm obviously not thinking clearly or rationally at all, or I wouldn’t have left work on a Friday afternoon, got on a subway, then a bus, to a place I’d never been, to gamble on slot machines, things I know, very well, are the worst possible gambling options for winning. I'm not thinking about consequences, or how much money I'm going to spend, or how much money I have in the bank

I'm here to escape and to play some slots.

So I start with the machines I think have the highest frequency of wins. If a machine has some kind of consistent payoff, even if it's less than what I put in, I choose that one. Or if there’s some kind of video game as part of it. I like that it's distracting and engaging. I like the pleasant sounds and lights. There’s a reason why there isn’t a game at a casino that is just “pick a card”, or “flip a coin”. There is no entertainment there. Gambling is about winning and losing money but it’s also about entertainment. Especially slot machines.

After some time I go to the ATM to get more money and realize there is no more money.

I still have money left in my account, but I just hit the withdrawal limit for the day.

I have no money left on me and no ability to get more for 24 hours.

I know I have to leave the casino.

This is when I start to realize how much time has passed. It's 3AM. I've been here for 8 hours.

I don’t remember eating or drinking anything but I must have at least had some water.

I don’t remember going to the bathroom but I must have… in an 8 hour period.

I walk out of that casino, not knowing how I'm going to get home.

I have my transit pass but are the buses even running at this hour? I obviously didn’t plan for this at all.

So I find the nearest bus stop and i’m standing there hoping for a bus, in an area of town I don’t know, at a time of day that no one should be waiting for a bus anywhere.

As I'm waiting I'm thinking about what comes after this.

A bus eventually comes and I start the journey home.