My name is Xanthe Wyse.

Struggling in this video and I didn't want to face the camera.

At 11:49 I said ''medications do cure bipolar" but I meant to say "medications don't cure bipolar".

There are likely a multitude of factors, including recent triggers and grief. I've been dealing with this for over 30 years,, more than half my life. It's exhausting.

Depression for me feels like:
- I'm a failure
- numb and shutdown (physically and emotionally)
- at times sad and tearful
- question my worth
- burnt out (ie harder to do parttime job)
- less motivated to do things I am usually passionate about eg art
- no social energy (managing 5 or so minutes interaction with teaching English to the child in the household)
- deleting things I worked hard on for no monetary rewards (eg this channel)
- more upset gut issues than usual
- ruminate about loss
- extremely avoidant - mostly in hibernation in my room
- low on energy and unable to do usual exercise
- don't enjoy food, lack of usual appetite

What I notice when I watched this back:
- slower speech than usual with more pauses (this also went with sluggish thinking). Some may be sedation from evening
- Very still
- dark circles under eyes which I don't usually have

It's rough but I know it is temporary. I am so tired of it. Medications and therapy don't take it away. It's not laziness or choosing to be like this.