An in-depth review of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Here are the topics covered in Part 1

Part 1: The Nature of Abusive Thinking

Chapter 1: The Mystery (Common things about abusers)
1. His version of abuse is different from hers
2. He gets insanely jealous, but in other ways he seems entirely rational
3. He succeeds in getting people to take his side against her
4. During some incidents he seems to lose control, but certain other controlling behaviors of his appear very calculated
5. Sometimes he tends to be really changing, but it tends to vanish

Chapter 2: The Mythology (Common myths about abusers)
Myth 1: He was abused as a child
Myth 2: His previous partner hurt and mistreated him
Myth 3: He’s abusive because he feels so strongly about you
Myth 4: He holds in his feelings too much and they build up until he bursts
Myth 5: He has a violent, explosive personality. He just needs to be less aggressive
Myth 6: He loses control of himself. He just goes wild
Myth 7: He’s too angry he needs to learn anger management
Myth 8: He’s crazy. He’s got some mental illness that he should be medicated for
Myth 9: He hates women
Myth 10: He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment
Myth 11: He suffers from low self-esteem. He needs his self-image shored up
Myth 12: His boss abuses him, so he feels powerless and unsuccessful. So he comes home and takes it out on his family where he can feel powerful.
Myth 13: He has poor communication, conflict-resolution, and stress management skills. He needs training
Myth 14: There are just as many abusive women as men. Abused men are invisible because they are ashamed to tell
Myth 15: Abuse is as bad for the man who is doing it as for his partner. They are both victims
Myths 16: He is abusive because he has faced so much societal discrimination and disempowerment as a man of colour, so at home he needs to feel powerful
Myth 17: The alcohol is what makes him abusive. If I can get him to stay sober, our relationship will be fine

Chapter 3: The Abusive Mentality
Reality 1: He is controlling
Reality 2: He feels entitled
Reality 3: He twists things into their opposites
Reality 4: He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her
Reality 5: He confuses love and abuse
Reality 6: He is manipulative
Reality 7: He strives to have a good image
Reality 8: He feels justified 25
Reality 9: Abusers deny and minimize their abuse
Reality 10: Abusers are possessive

Chapter 4: Types of Abusive Men
The Demand Man
Mr. Right
The Water Torturer
The Drill Sergeant
Mr. Sensitive
The Player
Rambo
The Victim
The Terrorist
The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

Domestic Violence Awareness Month - October 2024